Living In the Toilet #6

by Scoats

February 1998

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Ed's Fenway Story - A Great Story
I don't remember how the conversation turned to the Green Monster at Fenway Park, but it did. Ed said, "I was there, not for an actual game, but I was there". His brother was graduating from Harvard and he was up there for the ceremony. He decided that since he was in Boston, he was definitely seeing Fenway. He gets there on a weekday afternoon; the Red Sox might not have even been in town. Walking around the perimeter, he sees a Budweiser truck backing into the stadium. Ed remembered somebody telling him, if you want to get in somewhere, just act like you belong there. Seeing his opportunity, he positions himself behind the beer truck and starts directing the driver into the stadium. "I got inside, in fact, I even told some guy that worked there to move out of the way. It was great".

Top Ways to Annoy a Born Again Christian
OK, sometimes I am evil and can't help myself. I would never do these things to annoy my born again friends; I do that without even trying. These are for those hypocrits you occaisonally find in your face.

7. Inform them that you watch Ellen even though it sucks because you think the Disney Corporation needs the money to continue their good work.

6. Refer to Jesus as "that Hey-Zeus guy" as in "that Hey-Zeus guy told really great parables".

5. Tell them of your belief that Kathie Lee Gifford is the anti-Christ and that Cody Gifford is the spawn of Satan. Ask them what they are doing about it.

4. Refer to Jesus's parents as Joseph and Mary Christ. (You can get into very long, earnest discussions on this one. Simply and steadfastly deny whatever logic they use and see how long you can keep a straight face).

3. When they talk about being reborn, say "You made your mother go through that twice?".

2. Depending on their race, strongly argue that Jesus was either white or black. (This only works for the really ignorant ones).

1. Tell them that you have accepted Bob Dylan as your personal savior and The Dead Milkmen as your impersonal saviors. This one is also proven to piss off some Dylan fans who don't have a sense of humor. All Dead Milkmen fans seem to get the joke.

El Entender Esta Sobre Evaluado
There was a time in my life when we would sit around late at night drinking beer and watching Univision, the Spanish language cable network. Contrary to those who may think otherwise, those were considered by all to be good times.

One of Univision's stars, Xuxa, the benevolent despot of manic flagging waving South American children, was in the news after she announced her pregnancy. The English version of her show never caught on here in North America. Having seen the English version and the Spanish and/or Portuguese versions I understand why. The non-English version is an amazingly, mysterious sensual overload with loud music, sirens, hundreds of children waving flags nonstop and out of sync, incomprehensible (to me at least) dialog, and of course Xuxa herself dressed in a nutcracker uniform with huge boots and a very short skirt. The English version stripped the show of its mystery and replaced it with banality. Some things are better left not understood.

It's been many years since I've watched Univision, but I know what I'm doing this weekend late Friday night. I hope that giant bubble bee guy is still on.

Letters - Well, E-Mail Actually
Is "zine" a Scoatsism for magazine? - Zwick
Zine is a word that has been around for many years now. It refers to self-published, relatively low volume publications. Variations are fanzine - a zine published by a fan paying homage to a band or actor, perzines - a zine with a personal focus, and now e-zines - zines distributed electronically. And of course Thorazine - a zine which is only available by prescription.

Well, it sounds like you had a not-so-happy Christmas! - Miss Writer
Actually it was very nice. The Xmas Urinator didn't really piss me off too much.

Thanks to you (LITT#4 A Prescription for Society), I'm not making myself wait 'til 4 p.m. today for my M&M fix. I'm gonna scarf some right now! My co-workers will be amazed at my new pleasantness. - Kelly G.
Woo hoo or Yee Ha! Living in the Toilet is bringing peace and tranquility to the world, even Texas. If you find that M&Ms are not chocolately enough, try dark chocolate Wilbur Buds, they're chocolate Lithium. I am told that Wilbur Chocolate is now on-line, so you can now buy them direct from the factory. And remember only dark chocolate is real chocolate. Just say no to milk chocolate.

Living in the Toilet is a mostly monthly zine published by Scoats. Copyright: Scoats 1998. All rights reserved. Most wrongs unintentional. Reproduction permitted as long as it is accompanied by this entire paragraph.

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Last updated on 08 January 2003.
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