The Green Door #20
January 2000
Pseudo Intellectual Claptrap for the '90s and Maybe Beyond

Billionaire Computer Geeks and Pop Music
One has to wonder how computer companies choose the popular music they use in their advertising. Microsoft's choice of theme song for Windows 95 was Start Me Up by the Rolling Stones. While it is catchy, it's rather insipid; I'm talking about the song here. I think.

The story goes that when Microsoft approached him about acquiring the rights to Start Me Up, Mick Jaggar pulled out of the air what he thought was an outrageously huge number. Much to Jaggar's surprise, Microsoft accepted his request for $5 million. With billions of dollars sitting in its coffers, $5 million doesn't even make a dent.

One of the lines is in Start Me Up is "you make a grown man cry". Sounds like a slogan for Windows NT. There is also a vulgar line regarding the causation of bodily fluids in a dead man. I visualize a dirt flick with rows of dead men lined up on gurneys in front of computers running Windows. It might bring new meaning to the phrase "money shot". Maybe when it involves dead men, it's a Microsoft Money® shot. Remember Windows doesn't have "errors", only fatal "exceptions".

Gateway meanwhile has acquired the rights to Who Are You, by the Who. Who Are You is one of the Who's most powerful and personal songs. Pete Townsend writes about being woken up in a London doorway by a cop after a long reckless day. At this time in his life, it is generally accepted that Townsend was a gin-soaked drug-abusing venereal-diseased bisexual married father of three. This song was a wake-up call to himself. "Who are the f- are you? I really want to know." Why are you doing this to yourself?

"Who are you? Who? Who?" Adulterous bisexual? Venereal diseased? Alcoholic drug-abuser? If you've checked all three, get yourself a Gateway today!

Being the generous guy that I am, using the rationale pioneered by Microsoft and Gateway I've come up with some possible theme songs for other computer companies.

SAP - Sabotage (SAPotage) by Beastie Boys
Oracle - Beach Party Vietnam by The Dead Milkmen
Apple - Rape Me by Nirvana
Compaq - Shock the Monkey by Peter Gabriel
IBM - Tangled Up in Blue by Bob Dylan
MSN - Loser by Beck

I'm done. - Scoats


The Green Door is a mostly monthly zine published by Scoats. E-mail: scoats at greylodge dot com. (c) Scoats 2000. All rights reserved. Most wrongs unintentional. Reproduction permitted as long as it accompanied by this entire paragraph. If you do reprint something, please let me know.

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Last updated on 08 January 2003.
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