Virtual Surreality #29
June 2002
Still No Slogan

Virtual Food
Last Saturday, a particularly beautiful spring morning, I was walking past the 7-11 near my house. My lazy attention settled on an ice truck that was parked out front. On the side of the truck was a slogan, "Package ice is a food!" No it's not. Duh, it's frozen water. Water is not food.

Lately my dreams have been very lifelike and when things start getting especially odd I often realize that I'm dreaming. I figured this was one of those times so I decided to fly the rest of the way home. Why walk when you can fly? Being in a dream does have some advantages. After picking myself up off the ground, I looked again, less lazily. The truck was still claiming "Package ice is a food!"

During the very awake walk home, the mysteries seemed endless. Was it some Reagan-era throw back when catsup was declared a vegetable when used in school lunches? "Catsup is a vegetable; ice is food. Eat your lunch kids, before it melts". Was it some sort of dodge so people could pay for ice with food stamps? Was it a dentist conspiracy to get people to destroy their teeth?

The Ice Company has a Website,, where they again proclaim that "Package ice is a food!" I e-mailed them the bad news that ice isn't a food. To be even more helpful, I suggested a replacement slogan, "Package ice is a bag of frozen water!" True it's not real catchy, but it's much more accurate than their current slogan.

While waiting for a reply I came up with some more slogans for them:
"Package ice is not just for external use only!"
"Package ice melts in your mouth and in your hands!"
"Package ice is a bag of very painful projectiles! Chill your beverage AND hurt your enemies!"

I'm still waiting for a reply, but it doesn't matter because I figured it out. Why is homemade ice not a food, but package ice is? It's obvious. One could get some nourishment from the bag, thus package ice IS food! Yum!


I'm done.

- Scoats


Virtual Surreality is a mostly monthly zine published by Scoats. E-mail: scoats at greylodge dot com. (c) Scoats 2002. All rights reserved. Most wrongs unintentional. Reproduction permitted as long as it accompanied by this entire paragraph. If you do reprint something, please let me know.

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Last updated on 08 January 2003.
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