Holiday Safety Tips
The holidays are a joyous time for celebrating with friends and family. The following precautions can help you and your family (but not your neighbors) stay safe and secure. I am pleased to provide another in a series of safety tips and guidelines. (OK that I ripped that almost word for word from a mass e-mail from very large corporation to its employees who it must consider to be total morons. The tips have been tweeked by me to make the holidays more joyous).

Decorations

• Holly and mistletoe are poisonous and should not be served as side dishes.
• Lit candles are fire hazards. Keep small children in a large tub of water.
• Do not eat Christmas ornaments, even ones that look like fruit (this one courtesy of Marty).
• Keep outdoor electrical connections above ground and out of snow and figgy pudding.
• Make sure all of your smoke detectors are working properly so that you will know exactly where to find some working batteries for freshly unwrapped gifts.

Christmast Trees

• When selecting a tree, choose one whose needles bend, but do not break and are hard to pull off. Also cut off about two inches at the base of the trunk and place it in a sturdy stand so the tree is securely anchored and cannot be knocked over by children, pets, high winds, or Uncle Marty's flatulence.
• Keep the tree away from fireplace, heating vents, the surface of the sun, Aunt Clara's glare and other heat sources.
• Never use electric lights on a metallic tree.
• Never use metallic lights on an electric tree.
• Water the tree daily to prevent it from drying out. If a metal tree, check daily for rust after watering.
• Check all lights for safety and make sure a recognized testing laboratory has tested them. Replace or repair any that have damaged wiring, plugs, bulbs or sockets. If unsure have a neighbor plug them in first.

Fires & Fireplaces

• Have your chimney inspected annually and cleaned if needed. Make sure it is certified as Santa-safe by a chimney professional.
• Always watch children near a fireplace. It's amusing when they catch on fire and you won't want to miss it by not paying attention.

Shopping

• Avoid carrying large amounts of cash by shoplifting all of your presents.
• Do not load yourself down with packages, what's why you have children. Use the "Santa is watching you" guilt trip to keep them from griping about it.
• Avoid purchasing toys with small parts that may be swallowed by small children. Avoid purchasing toys with large parts that may be swallowed by large children.

Entertaining

• Remember nuts, candies and small snack foods may cause choking. Serve only Jello.
• Hot drinks are a frequent cause of scalding burns. Provide your guests with liquid and heat resistant pants.
• Cigarettes can present a fire hazard. Ash trays should be made available and your guests hosed down frequently.
• If you host parties, don't let a guest who appears to have overindulged alcoholic beverages drive him or herself home alone. Send along a designated drunk as co-pilot. As an added benefit, this doubles the number drunks you get out of your house.

If you do your part, the holidays will be a safe and happy time for almost everyone.

From the Newspaper
This next one is a bit blue, which is not my usual style; I usually don't publish anything that I'd be embarrased to have my Mom read. I wasn't going to include it, but it tested good via IM and I figured out a way to make it prime time friendly. It was probably funnier with the cruder, original language. Mom, don't read this....

In the back of Parade, the mostly crappy magazine that comes with the Sunday newspaper, they do a profile on an actor or actress every week. The one from 10 November 2002 was about an actress who shall remain nameless (mostly because I forgot her name). It says that she was really broke when she came to LA and that she "survived on spunk" her first few years there. Man, how many winkies did she have to monica every day just to get enough to spunk to survive on? One has to figure that even an emasiated Calista Flockhart type would need at least a pint a day.

Talk about getting into show biz the hard way. Well if the acting gig doesn't work out, she can start a new diet fad.

I'm done.

- Scoats