Virtual Surreality #31
Still No Slogan
Holiday Safety Tips
The holidays are a joyous time for celebrating with friends and
family. The following precautions can help you and your family (but
not your neighbors) stay safe and secure. I am pleased to provide
another in a series of safety tips and guidelines. (OK that I ripped
that almost word for word from a mass e-mail from very large
corporation to its employees who it must consider to be total morons.
The tips have been tweeked by me to make the holidays more joyous).
- Holly and mistletoe are poisonous and should not be served as side
- Lit candles are fire hazards. Keep small children in a large tub of
- Do not eat Christmas ornaments, even ones that look like fruit
(this one courtesy of Marty).
- Keep outdoor electrical connections above ground and out of snow
and figgy pudding.
- Make sure all of your smoke detectors are working properly so that
you will know exactly where to find some working batteries for
freshly unwrapped gifts.
- When selecting a tree, choose one whose needles bend, but do not
break and are hard to pull off. Also cut off about two inches at the
base of the trunk and place it in a sturdy stand so the tree is
securely anchored and cannot be knocked over by children, pets, high
winds, or Uncle Marty's flatulence.
- Keep the tree away from fireplace, heating vents, the surface of
the sun, Aunt Clara's glare and other heat sources.
- Never use electric lights on a metallic tree.
- Never use metallic lights on an electric tree.
- Water the tree daily to prevent it from drying out. If a metal
tree, check daily for rust after watering.
- Check all lights for safety and make sure a recognized testing
laboratory has tested them. Replace or repair any that have damaged
wiring, plugs, bulbs or sockets. If unsure have a neighbor plug them
Fires & Fireplaces
- Have your chimney inspected annually and cleaned if needed. Make
sure it is certified as Santa-safe by a chimney professional.
- Always watch children near a fireplace. It's amusing when they
catch on fire and you won't want to miss it by not paying attention.
- Avoid carrying large amounts of cash by shoplifting all of your
- Do not load yourself down with packages, what's why you have
children. Use the "Santa is watching you" guilt trip to keep them
from griping about it.
- Avoid purchasing toys with small parts that may be swallowed by
small children. Avoid purchasing toys with large parts that may be
swallowed by large children.
- Remember nuts, candies and small snack foods may cause choking.
Serve only Jello.
- Hot drinks are a frequent cause of scalding burns. Provide your
guests with liquid and heat resistant pants.
- Cigarettes can present a fire hazard. Ash trays should be made
available and your guests hosed down frequently.
- If you host parties, don't let a guest who appears to have
overindulged alcoholic beverages drive him or herself home alone.
Send along a designated drunk as co-pilot. As an added benefit, this
doubles the number drunks you get out of your house.
If you do your part, the holidays will be a safe and happy time for
From the Newspaper
This next one is a bit blue, which is not my usual style; I usually
don't publish anything that I'd be embarrased to have my Mom read. I
wasn't going to include it, but it tested good via IM and I figured
out a way to make it prime time friendly. It was probably funnier
with the cruder, original language. Mom, don't read this....
In the back of Parade, the mostly crappy magazine that comes with the Sunday newspaper, they do a profile on an actor or actress every
week. The one from 10 November 2002 was about an actress who shall
remain nameless (mostly because I forgot her name). It says that she
was really broke when she came to LA and that she "survived on spunk"
her first few years there. Man, how many winkies did she have to
monica every day just to get enough to spunk to survive on? One has
to figure that even an emasiated Calista Flockhart type would need at
least a pint a day.
Talk about getting into show biz the hard way. Well if the acting gig doesn't work out, she can start a new diet fad.
Virtual Surreality is a mostly monthly zine published by Scoats. E-mail: scoats at greylodge dot com. (c) Scoats 2002. All rights reserved. Most wrongs unintentional. Reproduction permitted as long as it accompanied by this entire paragraph. If you do reprint something, please let me know.
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Last updated on 08 January 2003.
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