Caves & Cucumbers #14

February 1996

Caves & Cucumbers #14

The Conspiracy Issue or I'm Not Paranoid, Everyone Really is Out To Get Me.


Copyright 1996 by Scoats. All rights reserved. Most wrongs unintentional. This issue is not meant to be taken seriously. If you do take it seriously, please do NOT contact me. Thank you. Scoats, 6235 Frankford Avenue, Philadelphia, PA 19135-3404, USA.

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Welcome to Issue 14, "The Conspiracy Issue or I'm Not Paranoid, Everyone Really is Out to Get Me". This issue is all conspiracies with lots of exclamation points! Watch out you never know who is looking over your shoulder or tapping your phone!! The font (paper version only) for this issue is Blades! It seemed perfect for the conspiracy issue. An advantage of paper over WWW.

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Have you lost your identity or are you faced?

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Are These James Earls Jonesin' Us?

Consider these weird coincidences between James Earl Ray and James Earl Jones: (This table will not display correctly with Netscape 1.0 --- it's a conspiracy!)

James Earl Ray James Earl Jones
Is not considered to have acted alone. Has never acted alone in a one-man play.
Has five digits on each hand.Has five digits on each hand.
Dislikes people with yellow skin.Dislikes other yellow pages.
Used to hang out with people named Bubbah.Caught a fish named Bubbah.
Was run-in in Elvis's home town.Has run-ins with Elvis Impersonators.
Weapon of choice is a light rifle.Weapon of choice is the light saber.
Luke Skywalker does not want to be his son.Luke Skywalker does not want to be his son.
Shot a Nobel Prize winner in the sixties.Shot a movie in the sixties.
Last name has an odd number of letters.Last name has an odd number of letters.
Hated by millions for killing a man of peace.Hated by millions for killing their peace with those annoying phone book commercials.

It's scary; isn't it!

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The Clock is Ticking!!

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End of the World?

Watch out the horsemen of the apocalypse are riding! The Jim J. And Tammy Faye Show is a sign of the apocalypse. They are preparing the way for the end of the world by making people want the world to end! People will be cheering the end of the world because it be the end of all talk shows!

Tammy must have been reading her Bible, because she has announced she is leaving the show. Time to push back the hands on the doomsday clock.

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Good Things About the Approaching End of the World:

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Wash Your hands!

The government has coated this paper with an invisible dye that can only be seen with special Government scanners. This is so the government can easily identify who has read this publication and in doing so has learned the truth!!! Once identified, you will be imprisoned and forced to make crocheted Xmas tree ornaments for sale in South America! Once the Xmas ornament market dries up and with it your usefulness, they will kill you!! So be careful, wash hands immediately after reading this!!

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Guard Your Wisdom Teeth!

Don't believe your dentist when he, she, or it tells you that you need to have your wisdom teeth removed! Your wisdom teeth will most likely end up on the Wisdom Teeth Black Market where they will be bought by rich people! Ever wonder why the rich always get richer? Rich people have their regular teeth removed and replaced with your wisdom teeth! They use this added wisdom to help them add to their wealth! They take the wisdom from our wisdom teeth, leaving the rest of us poor and stupid and missing four teeth!

Donald Trump's mouth is almost 1/2 full of wisdom teeth. Bill Gates, the richest man in the world, actually has two full sets of wisdom teeth in his mouth!

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Flying Sausages: Airborne Breakfast Food or Nefarious Threat To Our Planet?

Watch out for Flying Sausages! They pose as pork products, totally harmless (except for your arteries and heart). Sure they make breakfast much more entertaining by flying around the kitchen, but beware! These are actually alien probes used to study earth and earthlings to discover ways in which to enslave us and take over our planet!

What to do if you see a flying sausage!

1) In a loud voice praise the earth's missiles and weapons of mass destruction. Be sure to speak loudly to ensure the sausage transmits your voice clearly. Sample statement: How clever we earth people are, we spend huge amounts of our wealth building amazing weapons of mass destruction, while many of our children are malnourished and undereducated! I would hate to be any alien intelligence who tried to attack us!

2) After making your statement, catch and eat the sausage.

3) Buy and eat as much sausage as possible to prevent them from getting into alien hands or pods or whatever they have.

(This article brought to you by the United Pork Marketing Council. Pork - the other white meat; the one that isn't good for you.)

Remember!!! A FRYING sausage can't become a FLYING sausage!!!

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Death - It's a Conspiracy!

Why do we have to die?

1) To keep the funeral directors and cemeteries in business. Funeral director associations donate huge sums to prevent discoveries that will increase life span or prevent diseases! They'd like nothing more than for another plague to hit.

2) Antiques dealers - most antiques dealers get their inventory at bargain prices from estate sales. If people didn't die, they wouldn't get any inventory to sell.

3) Those damn Liberals who hate hard working cigarette companies and gun manufacturers! Those damn Liberals like it when smokers die because it decreases the demand for cigarettes! Liberals knew the only way to get gun control is to scare people into thinking that guns kill people! We all know that's crazy. People kill people, guns only make it incredibly easy! If people didn't die, those damn liberals would lose their two biggest issues!

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Mr. Cork says:

You're a bad monkey. . . and you need to be spanked.

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